


recovery & the sun

by dianna44



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Study, Drabble, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Introspection, M/M, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-10
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-04-21 01:50:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14274315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dianna44/pseuds/dianna44
Summary: Yuuri understood in a way that Victor had never expected, had never even hoped.





	recovery & the sun

**Author's Note:**

> heyo this fic is kind of sad and i was just in a really bad mindset and totally projected my feelings onto victor and originally this wasn't even going to have yuuri in it but i wanted it to end on a happy note and yeah
> 
> **please look @ the tags for triggers and if u want exact details of what is referenced in the fic, please look at the end notes.** 
> 
> much love xxxx

Victor doesn't remember much of the pain at all. The physical pain. He doesn't remember much. He doesn't remember much.

The emotional pain is the worst. The worst sort of pain, the kind that's lasted with him to this day, the kind that hits him at the worst and best moments, the kind that is etched into his skin, deep deep deep, so deeply etched into him, it's that kind of pain, it's the worst sort of pain.

His father had been an emotional drunk. Too pissed about his own life to properly take care of another's and unfortunately, Victor had been that another. His father had been a proud drunk, going on and on about how good of a father he is, how much he sacrificed for Victor, for the _family_ , and when he realized and remembered that Victor was there, Victor was always seemingly there at his worst moments, he took it out on him.

Victor doesn’t remember much of the physical pain. He doesn't remember the beatings in such detail and he doesn't remember how it felt when his father slammed his head against the wall and covered his mouth with his hand and and and and and and

he doesn't remember the physical pain.

He remembers and _knows_ and _feels_ the emotional pain. And Victor wishes he didn't. He wishes he didn't remember at all. He wishes it never happened to him. He wishes it hadn't been the way it was, but unfortunately, it's already happened and Victor is fucked up because of it.

His future was paved by the need for perfection. He doesn't know when his father finally left him behind, a broken "piece of shit" of a son, he doesn't know the day or the time or even the month that his father finally left him behind. His future was paved by the need for perfection.

He remembers picking himself back up, however slowly it was. He remembers keeping quiet about it and he remembers never saying a word. He remembers going to therapy eventually and he remembers how many times he tried to end his life because because because it wasn't getting better _it's been years and years and it wasn't getting better_.

He doesn’t remember the physical pain.

But he lives with the emotional pain and he used to want to die with it as well.

It took years of therapy, of pushing himself so hard that he broke over and over again, having to build himself back together, piece by piece, only to realize he still wasn't finished.

He worked a shitty job for a while, forcing himself through school because he didn't think he had any other options. His mother died years ago and he had a few good friends that didn't know shit about anything that had ever happened to him.

His father was alive and tried calling him a few months ago and Victor threw his phone at the wall and went to the store the next day and changed his number and for the hell of it, bought a new one.

It takes years and finally he tells his best friend. His best friend that had stuck with him for over a decade now, despite all the shit he would say when he was drunk. When he tells his best friend, he cries and holds him close and tells him how much he loves him and how the world was cruel to Victor Nikiforov in the beginning, but it doesn't mean it'll be cruel for the rest. He tells him all sorts of things and Victor feels like he's heard some of it before, maybe in a magazine that he read or maybe one of his early therapists said it to him.

But it's different coming from his best friend, his best friend that knew him in and out for the most part and has seen him at his worst and at his best and Victor maybe finally tries to wrap his head around the idea that maybe he's right and maybe he shouldn't wonder if tonight will be the night he finally fucking does it.

Finally fucking ends it.

Years after he tells his friend and even some of his other friends, he meets Yuuri. Yuuri, so kind and understanding and bright and filled with love to give. Victor has already been getting better and his therapist even told him the other day that she was proud of everything he's already overcome. He had already been getting better and Yuuri was a light he didn't know he needed.

Victor was getting better and with Yuuri, he didn't push him away like he might have with other lovers and he didn't lie to him when Yuuri asked him what was wrong the first time they kissed and Victor suddenly recoiled when he remembered once again who took his first kiss.

Victor was already getting better and Yuuri didn't fix him at all and Yuuri might have tried to, might have cried over and over again out of the helplessness he felt sometimes when Victor was in a bad bad bad bad mindset, but Victor had been getting better and Yuuri understood. He always always understood.

Yuuri understood in a way that Victor had never expected, had never even hoped.

They were both gentle with each other, Victor making sure to always give as much love as he could and more to Yuuri and Yuuri doing the same the same the same, something Victor had never encountered before. And it was so fucking nice.

It was so nice to have someone care about him so much and it was so nice to feel supported even at his worst moments and have somebody there to tell him how his day went when he realized that Victor didn't know if he ever wanted to speak again.

It was nice and it was comforting and it was everything Victor knew wouldn't help, but everything Victor had sought. It was a gentle, overwhelming and understanding and kind kind kind, and sweet like hell kind of love.

But it was love and it was love and it was love and Victor finally realized that maybe he deserved this.

He never fully recovered. He never got to a point where he could just forget about it all completely, but he got to the point where sometimes, the memories wouldn't resurface for days, maybe weeks if he was lucky. He got to a point where he stopped living in the past, the awful fucking past that he was so sure ruined his life to the point that the future wasn't worth living, and got to a point where he looked to the future.

And Yuuri held his hand throughout it all, supporting him and loving him and giving him everything that Victor wanted and more.

He didn't need Yuuri to recover.

But he was grateful he had been there to watch.

He doesn't remember the pain. Not the physical.

And sometimes, not even the emotional.

He smiles at his sun and Yuuri's hand grasps his tighter.

**Author's Note:**

> **triggers: references both child physical/emotional/sexual abuse. sexual abuse reference with "mouth being covered by father" and heavy implication of rape as well as a reference to the first kiss forcefully taken from the father. child physical abuse is seen with referenced violence done by father to child (beating and slamming head/body against wall). child emotional abuse referenced all throughout fic. please use caution when reading.**
> 
> i love u lots, sorry for being an angsty shit @ nearly 4 in the morning auihfjknsa
> 
> **please don't ask what happened to me personally**
> 
> feel free to comment anything else though! 
> 
> all the love xxxx  
> dianna


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